father's day

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers that may catch this.

I'm not a big fan of Father's day anymore... same with Christmas.

It's all his fault really; you see he died five years ago and a part of me still hasn't forgiven him for that. I still miss him...somedays more than others. He's stopped being foremost in my mind; he was for about the first two years. Then slowly he shifted and settled into a place where I could call his voice to mind or see him.

I remember him mostly as an ill man; he was sick towards the end due to several medical conditions but he wasn't that old. Yet I suppose death doesn't come with an expiry date.

I wish we'd talked more.

I wish I'd listened more.

I wish I'd gotten to know him for the man that he was rather than seeing him as the over-protective, hovering father that he was.

I wish he was here now.

love

Love is a funny thing...what makes you fall in love with someone or conversely fall out of love? I'm about to get married and it sometimes amazes me just how much I love this man - even when we're fighting.

I watched another movie tonight, "Republic of Love" which was an adaptation of a Carol Shields novel. Set in Toronto it chronicles the love affair between a man who's already had three marriages and a woman who's searching for her soulmate because she wants the amazing love that her parents have. It's interesting because it illustrates just how much we all want to be loved and to love someone and the lengths we'll go to get it; yet amidst all that there is sometimes another very powerful emotion - fear. And that fear can make us do really stupid things, things that really hurt us. The ironic part is that we often think that our fear-based actions will ultimately prevent us from getting hurt. And so it is in the movie. Thankfully it was a movie and it had a happy ending. Unfortunately reality doesn't always work that way.

There's a scene in the movie where the parent's marriage falls apart and the husband says "I felt smothered by her love" when he's trying to explain why he left. Then I wonder to myself if it's possible to love someone too much or if you can kill someone with love. I suppose anything's possible...yet I think it unlikely after all love is a good thing...how can it possibly be harmful?

Something interesting though, one of the techniques used when filming was to drain the colour down to the bare minimum when things were going wrong in the relationships, illustrating the lack of life when there is lack of love; and of course when things were going well then the colour came in full blast. Kinda cool and very apropro.

If you're out there and you're in love, enjoy it; try not to hold onto it too hard for love is frail in its strength; let go of any expectations you might've had about how things should be for life and love never follow the scripts in our head; and if you're out there and not in love yet then stay aware and alert for love pops up in the most unexpected places at the oddest times...it's got a bent sense of humour that one.

addiction

Like most people I've my little addictions...running, Kernels popcorn, shopping...

Then I watched Requiem for a Dream. Now I have a whole new understanding and insight into addictions.

The movie is brilliant - the dialogue, visual treatment, the music, characters - all of it...simply brilliant. But after watching it I'm sitting here in somewhat of a state. I'm going to guess that this is what stoned might feel like.

Drugs are a funny thing...they've never held any appeal for me at all, probably because I don't like being out of control. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to crave something so badly that you don't care about anything else - I know what it's like to want something and what it's like to really want something, but to crave it to the exclusion of all else, even if that means to the detriment of one's own self - that I don't know and I'm grateful to not know.

And I guess part of the reason I'm sitting in such a state is because I have friends who are in recovery from their various addictions and up til now, I don't think I got it...what it really means to be addicted. But now I do. And so I state again, I'm grateful to not know what it's like to have an addiction.

The movie is definitely worth seeing if you haven't already (it's old ... 2000) but be prepared to be extremely messed up after watching it.

Persistance pays off

There's an apple tree outside my bathroom window and every spring you're guaranteed to see a family of racoons climbing up to get to their home on the roof. Well this morning two baby racoons were in the tree and they were stuck - they couldn't figure out how to get from the tree to the roof so they kept going back and forth and crying (or mewling or whatever sound baby racoons make). I stood watching them as they tried to figure out where to go. One of them almost fell off and he's hanging on for dear life to what seems to be an extremely slender branch. Then little by little he makes his way to the roof and stretches and finally gets on. It took the other one a few minutes more to make his way up to the roof.

I'm watching them and, in my head, saying "you can do it, just a little bit more."

And they did finally.

It took a good five minutes from the time I started watching them but I think they'd been stuck there for a little while because I'd heard the crying sounds earlier.

This thought from Ralph Marston seemed to fit:

Persist

When you're weary, it means you've been making a difference. Keep going and see it through.

When each obstacle is more difficult than the one before, it means you're making real progress. Persist, and make it all count for something great.

The exhaustion you feel is preparing you for the sweet taste of accomplishment that is surely to come. Every effort you make serves to give that accomplishment more value and meaning.

Sure, the way is difficult, and by moving through each difficulty you're creating something that can never be taken away. Keep going, and enjoy the priceless reward of knowing you did it.

As the path become steeper, it means you're nearing the summit. Now is when it's especially important to keep climbing.

Your efforts have already brought you a long, long way. Persist, and enjoy the full rewards of your labor.

Worrying about real things...like Global Warming

It's opening weekend for Al Gore's new documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" and I'm thrilled to say that the Cumberland Theatre in Toronto was about 90% filled at the 7.30 show. Bodes well for the film actually sticking around in the theatre.

The doc is definitely worth seeing, in fact after you see it the first time, see it again. Reason being, it's kind of an "old style" documentary - the kind you saw as kids in grade school that you always thought were dead boring. Not that this is dead boring, but it's a lot of information to take in and process in one go. He's done a great job of translating a ton of scientic data into very understandable and relevant information. And the film actually ends on a somewhat positive note in that it asks you to take action and gives suggestion on what those actions might be.

So what's my first action going to be to take part in retarding the speed of climate change? Well I don't drive a car for starters so that's good; I'm pretty good about turning lights off when not in use or using smaller lamps to light the part of the room that I'm working in which as I write this seems pretty trivial; I guess I'll have to think about this - what can I do or what can I not participate in?

Check out this link to see what you're contributing to global warming: http://www.climatecrisis.net/takeaction/carboncalculator/

If you haven't checked it out already, here's a link to the film's site: http://www.climatecrisis.net/ and something really cool that I just read about - Paramount Classics is donating 5% of the domestic theatrical gross for An Inconvenient Truth to a new bipartisan climate effort, Alliance for Climate Protection so get out there and see this film.

Oh and drive your car less, bike/walk/mass transit more, and most of all, get involved. We can turn this around.