living a life based on "shoulds"

most of my adult life has been based on shoulds...i should do this because it's expected of me; because it's the right thing to do; because so-and-so's kids do xyz; because i'll feel guilty if i don't; and most importantly, what will other people think of me if i don't.

on the rare occasions i've based decisions on what i wanted to do they've not always had the best outcome. perhaps it's because i've rarely let my intuition guide my decisions that when i did actually let it, it fell over in shock and had no idea what was going on.

time, trial and error, constant reminders of "to thine own self be true," learning to listen to the quiet voice in my head that always seems to have an answer, realising that no one person knows everything, recognising and accepting that everyone has a different perspective on things, realising there is no "right" way to do something, and coming to accept that we all have a different story written for each of us...it's helping me to live a life that is ruled less by shoulds and more by questioning "what's best for me?"

i've learnt that my needs and interests are important. not to the point of being self-absorbed but they deserve to be part of the overall list of things to be considered during the decision-making process.

and i've also learnt that some of my decisions will not sit well with everyone...that cliche of "you can't please everyone" is quite true, as most cliche's are.

i've learnt to be ok with the fact that not everyone agrees with my choices. course this isn't to say that i don't still want approval on my choices. i'm learning to not have any expectations of approval.

someone once said to me, let go of all the expectations you have of others, the way you think they should be and you'll let go of the expectations you have of yourself.

this isn't to say that i don't do things based on "should" anymore.

i do.

but now not everything in my life is a should.

life, death, and friendships

i did the unthinkable and got a summer cold just as it was leading up to the second last long weekend of the summer which also happens to be the caribana festival in toronto, and which as the gods would have it, was a picture perfect summer weekend...hot, breezy, and no humidity (a rarity for toronto summers).

after much moaning about the unfairness of it all i dropped by the library to pick up a couple of light reads since, you're supposed to rest to get over a cold and i've no concept of how to do that.

i perused a few titles and settled on two, one of which was anything but light - Annie Freeman's Fabulous Traveling Funeral by Kris Radish. i don't actually know why i thought it would be a light read; maybe it was because i only read the tag line rather than the full descriptor on the back of the book. The tag line: the story of five women who had nothing in common but one extraordinary friend.

Annie Freeman's Fabulous Traveling Funeral was a heavier read than i'd anticipated. it's the story of five women who're linked because they're all friends with Annie Freeman. Annie dies leaving her friends a bit of an unusual request - take her ashes and scatter them in several different places that were important at different points of her life. She's included a list of locations, explicit instructions for each site and all expenses are paid - car rentals, flights, accomodations, and spending money - it's all pre-arranged. keep in mind these five women have never met each other, they only know of each other thru Annie; additionally in order to carry out her final request, they have to put their extremely busy lives on hold for about ten days.

nothing forces you to examine the way you live more than the experience of a loss - for these five women the traveling funeral turns into a life-altering experience that's as much about them as it's about fulfilling the request of their dearest friend. they wind up returning to their lives changed and unable to look at things the same way they used to.

it's a story about picking yourself up when things fall to shite because you've tried the alternative which is to sit in it and that's not an option so you've no other choice but to pick yourself up; it's about opening yourself to the people in your life and being vulnerable; it's about learning that you can't control everything - in fact if you can control anything, you're doing pretty good; it's about taking a leap of faith when logic and reason are screaming otherwise; most of all it's about your friends - these are the friends who'll tell you when you're being a total cow, who'll hold you when you need to be held, who're there no matter; they'll give you a push when you need a push, they'll call you on your shit, and above all they'll love you, no matter what.

i'm lucky to have friends like that in my life.

and on the subject of death and loss and living - in some ways i think i truly started living after the death of my father. it forced me to deal with my mortality and it prompted me to commit to a life lived intentionally rather than by accident. so i try to mean what i say and say what i mean rather than saying something to fill the air or out of spite or out of anger - i don't always get it right but i'm trying.

so in addition to skinny, check out annie freeman's fabulous travelling funeral.