faith

i tend to live my life looking for guarantees, i like routine, and i guess it comes down to one simple fact...control. i like being in control. and for the most part, i am, except for those things where i'm not. and i'm faced with a situation where i'm completely not in control, there's nothing i can do to speed things up or find out the status or anything...i just have to wait.

i hate waiting.

yet if i believe that everything is as it should be, that everything is happening perfectly, and that my best interests are what the universe is looking out for, then i've nothing to worry about.

i bemoaned the situation to a dear friend who patiently listened then said to me, "let go and let god. this really is a time to see just how faith filled you are." she chuckled as she said it, though not in malice because she knows how much of a control freak i can be.

and i was humbled because i like to think i am faith-filled...and i am...except for those times like today where i panic about things not happening fast enough.

there are several different definitions of faith; this is the one i like: belief that is not substantiated by proof.

i also found this quote by Edward Teller, “When you get to the end of all the light you know and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.”

and so on i go knowing that i'm taken care of.

death

the thing that i hate about death is the fact that you never get to see the person again. why is it that they have to vanish completely from our sight? i know they're around in some other form but once in a while i'd like to see them...maybe hear their voice again. and then i feel like shit for all the times i was too busy to talk to them or spend time with them or just didn't feel like dealing with whatever pettty thing it was i felt i was dealing with.

for all of our technological and medical progress and breakthru's you would've thought by now that someone would've figured how to innovate the whole death process. maybe there should be someone selling memory packages...videos and sound recording of family members and friends, maybe a hologram of the person just so you could see them instead of replaying what they looked like when they died over and over again in your head cuz that was the last time you saw them.

and maybe if you could just see them ever so often it wouldn't hurt so much every time you think of the fact that you'll never ever see them again or hear their voice or the touch of their hand or anything.

everyone says they can feel the person around them...their spirit. i don't. or at least i haven't yet.

hello? are you out there?

traffic & transit

driving rules in paris are interesting. green light means go, at top speed i might add. red light means go as well...with a bit more caution.

it was a rude awakening for this Torontonian where pedestrians rule...pedestrians right of way always! i think sometimes pedestrians walk extremely slowly when crossing simply because they can. what's the car going to do, hit us? i think not. my new yorker partner likens Torontonian pedestrians to deer living on an island where there are no predators.

i felt like i was taking my life in my hands when it came to crossing the road. and what was particularly aggravating were the moterbikes and mopeds. like cyclists in Toronto, most of them seemed to think that they were excluded from traffic laws so that meant if they saw a break in the pedestrian traffic, they'd go - even if they didn't have the right of way. and in some cases you'd even have motorbikes on the sidewalk! extremely irritating.

however to give props where props are most definitely due are the parking skills of the Parisians. these guys can parallel park or just park like nobody's business. they're close to the curb, pull into some incredibly tight spaces, and imagine this: if they're parking and another car is behind them, there is no honking. what a novel concept.

as well, compact, fuel efficient cars are the norm. rarely will you see the gas guzzlers of North America...we saw a few around the Champs-Elysees region.

designated bike/moped lanes exist on most major streets.

and the metro system is amazing. we didn't have a chance to take the bus but the subway is phenomenal. it's somewhat confusing at first glance because unlike most North American cities, Paris is not on a grid so there's no real east-west or north-south line. instead there are about 11 different lines as well as four RER (kinda like GO trains in Toronto) lines. it's not just enough to figure out where you've to go, you've gotta you really need to pay attention to figure out what line to take and what direction you've to go in. key to remember is that the train doors do not open automatically...you either have to push a button or turn the knob. Seems to be the norm for European subway systems; London, Prague, and the other Spanish cities with a metro are all like this and I've missed stops before because I didn't realise the doors didn't open automatically. such a silly north american i am.

best bet for paris is to get the orange card pass which lets you ride around all week for one price. you have to get a photo id card for this and their are photo stations in the major train stations where you purchase the pass. we got ours at Gare du Nord; after about 2 tries we figured out what the right option was for the id card - it's the 16 mini-image. i got the passport size first and was busy trying to figure out how the heck to get it on the tiny space provided. one key point is when you buy your orange card they'll ask you for how many zones - you pretty much only need 1 and 2 which is all of central paris. we got all zones and paid way more than we needed to.

retail therapy paris style

once upon a time, i think when my partner and i first started dating, i said that i wasn't a shopper. he was suitable impressed for a while there...until he witnessed my shopping habits. he wised up after that.

needless to say, i love shopping. mostly for clothes, fashion accessories, and ... wait for it ... shoes.

my shopping is rarely driven by need, mostly it's the high of finding that perfect thing, I didn't know I needed until the instant i found it.

so let's just say i was eagerly anticipating shopping in paris. and let me just say, it didn't disappoint. what did disappoint was the lack of time.

there were two highlights. one was an entire street of shoes...rue meslay in the 3rd arrondisement. i merrily walked down one side of the street, in and out of every store, and came back up the next side, again in and out of every store...and each one had different stock. imagine! my partner gave up after about the third store and took off. he was a bit of a brat that day.

the other highlight was another street of outlet stores (or stock stores as they're called there). Rue d'alesia in the 14th arrondisement. unfortunately for me i didn't have a ton of time to look around as the shops closed at 7p and we got there just after 6p. sadly we never managed to come back to the district.

so many shops, so little time.

for any shoppers planning a trip to paris, and not wanting to shell out loads of euros, check out this link:

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4155/is_20011111/ai_n13930984

there are flea-markets as well, primarily on the weekend. we managed to get to two of them...one at porte d'clignancourt which is mostly antiques, household stuff etc. and definitely worth checking out. we found a woodworking tool that was over 100 years old.

also worth checking out are the depot-ventes or thrift stores. we found only one and i can't remember the name but be forewarned, you'll still see tags that are 100+ euros. time...need more time please.

one rather funny experience was at le bon marche (translates to the good deal) which is the oldest department store in paris and thought to be the most reasonable of the department stores. we went in looking for face cream for my mother...something that screamed paris. the usual suspects were there - clinique, estee lauder, dior...all the regular brands you see everywhere. finally we found something that looked oh so parisian...les fruits de la mer i think was the brand name. i settled on the moisturizer, a serum of some kind, and another cream. to this day i don't know why i didn't bother to ask the price...i always ask the price...anyways i hand the sales associate my credit card and then i think to ask the price. 530 euros which is about $750 CDN. where's the good deal there??

and then there was the ham we bought for 269 euros per kilo.

lost luggage

this is one of several posts about my recent trip to paris.

a retrospective if you will.

as we were about to land in Toronto the first thing that struck me was just how remarkable air travel is. several hours ago we were across the atlantic, practically in a different world. thanks to zoom airlines, we'd traversed several time zones and were about to land in toronto where the local time was only 12:30 p.m. versus the 18:30 p.m.

blows your mind when you think about really.

then what really blew my mind, and not in good way, was when we made our way to the baggage claim. my trusty backpack was no where to be seen. particularly strange was the fact that my partner's gear arrived with no hassle...strange because we both checked our bags at the exact same time. only mine was no where to be found.

it's my worst nightmare about travelling...second only to an accident - plane crashes and the like.

that sinking feeling of oh god, i'm never going to see my stuff again, the frantic thoughts of what exactly did i have in there, and the overwhelming desire to burst into tears. i cursed myself several times over for packing my undeveloped film in my checked luggage, as well as my hair-dryer, my favourite pair of jeans ... i pretty much kicked myself for checking my luggage. Only you don't have choice now, checking luggage is pretty much mandatory unless you're travelling with an itsy-bitsy slip of a bag.

everyone i've talked with says not to worry...my pack will show up.

and it did.

a mere 36 hours later with contents intact.

massive thanks to the universe.

life decisions

Five days ago I found out my nephew's best friend died. At first it was thought to be a suicide but now they think it might be a homicide. No one's quite sure what happened yet.

He was 21 years old.

The funeral was on Friday. The church was filled with his friends and their parents, relatives, neighbours. The reality was the kid had a lot of issues; he'd tried to commit suicide before and he had a bit of an obsession with death. But whatever was going on with him, he didn't feel comfortable enough to discuss it with his parents and in some cases with his friends.

My sister stood up in church and told this story: I was going to the well to get some water and I noticed a little green frog trying desperately to get out of the well. I guess he'd fallen in and gotten stuck. In my haste to get my bucket of water I knocked him all the way down that he'd struggled to climb so I put my pail down, grabbed a stray tree branch and put it down the well. The frog got a firm hold on the stick and I pulled him out.

She continued by addressing specifically the young adults in the church: When you were born, you didn't come with instruction books...we all muddled through it and did the best we could. I know you all think your parents are idiots and they just don't get what you're going through or what you have to deal with but please try to remember that we are here to help you, no matter what you've gotten into. We might not be as open-minded as you'd like us to be but we only want the best for you and we'll do whatever we can to get you that. So when we hold out a stick, grab a strong hold.

Whether it was a suicide or a homicide the fact remains that a young man, who's barely made an entry into his life, is now dead. And remaining behind are a lot of people wondering what they could've done to change the course of events.

Most of the time I belive that we can't save anyone, each individual is responsible for the consequences of their actions because every action/choice/word spoken has a consequence, a reaction; and we must all be aware of that. I believe that if we commit to being more intentional and deliberate in what we say and do, the more we are forced to think before we react to situations.

Should this kid be alive now? Yes. Did he think his actions through? Probably not. Why? Probably because at 21 years old, like most young adults, he thought he was invincible and death couldn't happen to him; probably because he'd gotten into situations before and he'd managed to get out of them. Only this time he didn't. And it sucks - for him and for the family and friends he left behind.

There's a book called Friendship with God; given to me as a gift it has been read and re-read numerous times. A thought from this book that seems relevant now is this: There is no time that is not "decision-making time." You are always making decision, all the time. To change behaviours that are ingrained or habitual ask yourself, before each decision you make, "Is this Who I am?" Do not be who you thought you were, be who you wish you were.

I wonder if he knew who he wished he was.

stop...think...do you really want to say that in an email?

i love email. it's a wonderful invention. some would even classify me as a bit of an email junkie. the first thing i do after rolling out of bed is check my email and it's the last thing i do before i go to bed.

but right now i'm a little pissed off...this is a bit of a rant about users of email.

people before you hit that little unassuming send button, stop...think about what you've written...is there anything in your email that could be misconstrued? would you speak to someone in the manner you've written your email? and is that really what you want to say?
does anyone stop and think about the fact that an email is a paper trail...do you really want to have a paper trail with that in it? email is not private, if you work for an organisation it's monitored; if you're using a web-based email it's still monitored...less closely but monitored in some way, shape or form. so why then do we continue to treat email in such a casual, off hand manner?

increasingly i'm finding that people are writing stuff in emails that they'd never ever dream of saying to someone in person because quite frankly, it'd be rude and in some cases, unprofessional. and what i'm also realising is that there are a lot of passive aggressive people out there...they tend to be the ones that are guilty of doing this.

just because the person isn't standing in front of you doesn't give you the license to speak in whichever manner you choose to...pretend it's a face to face conversation and treat the person the same way you'd treat them if they were standing in front of you. and if you can't say something to someone in person then don't say it in email either.

stop...think...do you really want to say that in an email?

living a life based on "shoulds"

most of my adult life has been based on shoulds...i should do this because it's expected of me; because it's the right thing to do; because so-and-so's kids do xyz; because i'll feel guilty if i don't; and most importantly, what will other people think of me if i don't.

on the rare occasions i've based decisions on what i wanted to do they've not always had the best outcome. perhaps it's because i've rarely let my intuition guide my decisions that when i did actually let it, it fell over in shock and had no idea what was going on.

time, trial and error, constant reminders of "to thine own self be true," learning to listen to the quiet voice in my head that always seems to have an answer, realising that no one person knows everything, recognising and accepting that everyone has a different perspective on things, realising there is no "right" way to do something, and coming to accept that we all have a different story written for each of us...it's helping me to live a life that is ruled less by shoulds and more by questioning "what's best for me?"

i've learnt that my needs and interests are important. not to the point of being self-absorbed but they deserve to be part of the overall list of things to be considered during the decision-making process.

and i've also learnt that some of my decisions will not sit well with everyone...that cliche of "you can't please everyone" is quite true, as most cliche's are.

i've learnt to be ok with the fact that not everyone agrees with my choices. course this isn't to say that i don't still want approval on my choices. i'm learning to not have any expectations of approval.

someone once said to me, let go of all the expectations you have of others, the way you think they should be and you'll let go of the expectations you have of yourself.

this isn't to say that i don't do things based on "should" anymore.

i do.

but now not everything in my life is a should.