conscious thought
i'm in a really effed up place right now. all i want to do is disappear - just drop off the face of the earth so that i can go in my head and figure things out. except what i've learnt is that situations and issues follow you no matter which end of the earth you run to; as well, the more you try to figure out feelings with your head, analysing and positing about them, the longer it takes to get out of where ever it is you are. the trick to getting past something is to feel it, to sit with the uncomfortable feelings and go thru it; talking also helps but real talking, the kind where you are open, allowing yourself to be vulnerable without fear of being judged.
i am grateful to have a partner and amazing girlfriends that i can do this with.
i wish all it took was talking to get out of where i am. i talk and i talk some more and for a while the feelings subside. then they return.
i read somewhere that fear is faith in evil. yet i remain fearful.
i am sitting with my feelings.
fyi sitting with feelings suck!
and really, what does it mean to sit with one's feelings? is it like when you had to sit at the table, as a kid, if you didn't finish your supper?
it's hard work this "figuring your shit out." course if it was easy, we'd all have our shit figured out.
is there anything easy?
thankfully there's always tomorrow.
maybe tomorrow i'll find something easy.
posted by ramona at 9:33 PM
2 Comments:
man. know how you feel.
that sitting in feelings stuff does really suck.
but so does reacting to life rather than responding.
my godmother always says that when you don't deal with the internal you become obsessed with the external (in all its manifest forms).
she also says that not dealing with the internal means that every external in the present triggers a belief/moment in the past and that THAT is what we react to.
crappy.
so, does any of this sound profound. well, if it does, i can't take credit for it. i'm only passing it along.
if it doesn't, well, that's ok. we all hear things we need at the times we need them.
as for where you are now...
i know you can't feel it...but you are loved...you are love...and you are surrounded by love. we really do exist in a world with some warped ideas, and one of the biggest is this notion of finite love. if he/she loves x/y/z then they won't love me; if mom loves bro more, than she can't love me (note: these are taken from my PERSONAL examples;) Problem is this finite love model is false. Plain and simple. Love is expansive and infinite (my belief). Unfortunately in our warped society we have come to confuse love with commitment. Hence, if a person is involved with more than one person (a committment issue) than they must love more than one person and their love (like their time) is theoretically split. But that's not true. Love is NOT finite...it's infinite. It truly is a give it away and grow kinda thing. Hence the more you love, the more love you have (as opposed to less). Committment, on the other hand, is finite. And, thankfully, can be changed, altered, used and abused.
Anyway...my dear...i am sorry you are in this place. No one likes being here. Just know that you are not alone...that people DO love you and ARE commited to you. Now and always. We see your warts. And you know what? It's ok.
Have a great "me" day today. You deserve it.
Romana
4:56 AM
I can relate. Lately I'm more in my head than in the world. I wonder sometimes - am I just totally self-indulgent and wrapped up in deconstructing myself? Then I eat something and forget about it ;)
The only way through it is through it...and lots of conversations with empathetic people who would not at all be bothered by listening to you ramble on and on and on and on...who would welcome it, in fact...
9:06 AM
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